I am beyond exhausted. I have a dull headache from lack of sleep and from crying so much. The last few days have been surreal.
My sister is gone just as quickly as she came, which makes me incredibly happy but incredibly sad. The last two weeks are unbelievably vivid but also really fuzzy. I can't remember the last time I was so sleep deprived. I'm exhausted, to say the least.
Saturday, I picked my sister up from the airport and drove her straight to my mom's house. My mom left my grandparent's house and I will never, ever forget the look of complete shock, surprise and breathtaking happiness on her face to see my sister. Having Kiki here, even if only for 36 hours, was exactly what we all needed. Kiki stayed that night at my mom's and I made the trek back home.
Sunday, I got up bright and early, got ready and met my mom, sister, siblings and cousin at my mom's house and then we all went to the funeral home together. My grandfather looked
so handsome, they truly did a beautiful job with him. He looked healthy and peaceful and had a hint of a smile on his face. His children and grandchildren were allowed an hour of privacy with him before people came to pay their respects, which was really wonderful. If the family had to guess, we'd say anywhere from 1200-1500 people came in a matter of 8 hours to pay their respects to a magnificent man. For every person to came in person, I'm sure there are quadruple that amount of people whose lives he touched in one way or another. I say he was
the greatest man I've ever met and my cousin said he's the
only man she's ever met. They don't make them like him anymore, that's for sure. There's literally not
one person in the Albanian community here who I've ever talked to who
didn't know who my grandfather was.
Monday I dropped my sister off at the airport bright and early before coming home to get dressed and then driving over to the church for the funeral. It was beautiful, absolutely beautiful. The service for him was all in Albanian (which I understand more than I speak) and we got to see him again before they closed the casket. I got to kiss him again and tell him how much I love him. I hate to see my mom or her sisters cry, absolutely hate it. I hate to see any of my family hurting, but it was comforting to be in a room with a group of people who I love and adore and know that we were all mourning the same loss.
We drove directly from the church to the cemetery and I have to say, seeing my grandfather lain to rest beside his son was absolutely beautiful. When we pulled up, there were a few hundred people standing, waiting for his arrival. I was completely blown away this weekend, by the number of people who came to pay their respects to my grandfather, he truly was a man like no other and to know him was not only to love him, but to respect him. My grandfather was buried right next to his son who passed 17 years ago and when they dug his spot, they dug it so close that my uncle's plot was exposed and we were able to see the stone that his casket was set in before burial. My grandmother saw it but all of the ladies surrounding her tried telling her that wasn't her son's stone, but we all knew it was. It was oddly comforting for me to see my uncle's casket, set in stone, laying just six feet away from us, just a few inches next to my grandfather's casket set in stone. Knowing they're together makes it all a little easier to accept.
It is surreal that Kiki was here and surreal that Baba has passed. I know why we were all together this weekend and I saw him lying in his casket (
which was the most gorgeous one I've ever seen to date, my grandmother picked the most beautiful one available for him) and I know it was him, but it just seemed so surreal. I can't believe he's gone, I just can't believe he's gone. I dreamt of him the night before last and after telling my mom and cousins, we feel it's a sign from him that he's on his way up to Heaven.
It was
so difficult to be away from the kids for three days straight. They were just barely waking up for the day every morning when I left and were already in bed or getting ready for bed when I got home each night. It was horrible being away from them and I missed them like crazy. Ryan was going to attend the viewing, but the kids are really sick with coughs, sneezes, runny noses and plain old miserable, so he stayed behind with them all weekend, which I was grateful for. I've never been away from the kids for more than an hour or so, let alone three full days but it was comforting to know they were with their dad, so i didn't worry at all.
It feels odd to be home tonight because it just proves that no matter what kind of grief you're experiencing, the world keeps going on. I already miss my family and miss being around them. I'm wishing I was still with them and if I didn't have kids, that's exactly where I'd be. I find it odd to be back home, in the full swing of being mommy and wife while I know my mom, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandmother are still reminiscing and mourning together.
I've also decided that I'm going to fulfill my grandfather's wish for me to baptize my kids. He was accepting of my decision to dedicate them, but I knew his heart wanted for them to be baptized, so after talking to my mom about it, I've decided they'll be baptized in his honor. Now I just have to decide if I'll do it in an Albanian church on my mom's side of town, or a Roman Catholic church on our side of town (there's one within walking distance of my in-law's house). I'm trying to figure out if I can do it while Kiki is in town in a few weeks or if I'll have to pick different Godparents since neither Kiki or my brother did their confirmation or communion. Or maybe I'll plan it for later on so Kiki can fly out again and she and my brother can have time to do their communion and get confirmed. I plan to talk to my mom about it more and maybe have her ask my Godmother what she thinks is best.
I'm exhausted and really sad. Can you please also continue to keep my dad and stepmom in your prayers. I still can't wrap my mind around what they're going through and that my baby brother is gone. I never thought it possible to miss someone I never met, but I have a vivid picture of him in my mind based on my dad's description of him and picturing his beautiful little face literally brings me to tears and amplifies my grief for his loss. Can you uplift them in healing thoughts and positive prayers. Thank you so much!