Odd.

Today was a busy day. We dropped Ry off at work then came home for a few hours so I could sort laundry and straighten up our room a little bit. Franky acted like he needed to use the bathroom, so I set him up on his froggy potty and left him be. He sat there for a long time, watching movies and playing games on the Kindle. He peed a lot, but didn't poop, which is fine, at least he tried =)

Franky had Karate tonight and he did fantastic. Marija whined and fussed the whole time. Teething coupled with coming down from a nasty cold is not fun. Not for her or for her momma. Franky was content until it was time to leave, at which point he threw the fit of all fits because I wouldn't let him walk ahead of me to the car. Ummm, no way in hell am I letting him cross an alley and parking lot unless he's holding my hand.

Normally, Marija's fussing and Franky's whining would have sent me over the edge, but I think I'm entering a phase in my grief where I'm kind of just numb and slightly devoid of emotions. I was oddly calm and just sternly told Franky that running to the car was not an option and that in parking lots, he has to hold my hand, period. He asked me for a kiss and we went about our way. We stopped at Aldi (my new favorite store) and then Target for a few necessities.

Grief sucks in that it's different for everybody and hits at random times, so there's no way for me to know when I'll be slammed with a mack truck of emotions. I'm a very affectionate person with the people I love. I tell my siblings, mom and dad, MIL, hubby and grandparents (Ry's and mine) that I love them all the time. I'm not a crier, never really have been. It takes a lot to pull at my heartstrings and when they're tugged at, the tears falling are usually those from worry for my children.

I'm caught off guard with my grief for my brother and grandfather lately at the most odd moments. The night before last it was after the kids were in bed and I was overcome with worry that my grandfather didn't know just how much I loved him. Ryan reassured me that he knew and he talked me over the edge. I just can't believe he's gone. Or tonight when I browsed photos of him with his great grandbabies and the tears flowed freely. I couldn't have stopped them even if I tried. I'll think about him throughout the day and sometimes the memories bring a smile to my face and others it takes all I have to not burst into tears. I just miss him. Death freakin' blows. The permanence of it knocks the wind out of me.

And my brother, I am overcome with grief for never being able to meet him, never love on him, never hold him, never kiss him, never tell him in person that I love him. I grieve for him, yes, but I also grieve for my dad and stepmom. I know the pain I feel as his sister, so I can't even begin to imagine the pain my dad and stepmom are feeling. I grieve for them and my heart aches for them every single day. I feel guilty because I feel like I should be doing more but all I can really do is just be there for them. Life is so cruel, isn't it? I so wish for a different outcome for them...I miss someone I've never met, who I literally never laid eyes on and love someone the same as I do my siblings and own kids. Trippy.  

Angel, your big sister loves you and would die for you the same as I would your nephew and niece. Please protect your momma and daddy and let them know you're okay. Baba, I miss you soooo much it's not even possible for me to express it in words. I can only hope you know how big of an influence you had on my life and how much I love you...

Lately.

This beautiful little boy is the silliest person I know. That happens to be silly putty, haha! 

Oh, the life as a momma of a little boy. Those are Nerf darts. 

My girl has curls <3 She is officially everything I ever hoped for in a baby girl.

Franky pooped in the potty voluntarily today and got a huge reward (mini 3 musketeers bar). I guess he walked up to Ry and said he farted. Ry smelled him but when he peeked, there was nothing in his pull-up, so he took him to the bathroom, set him up on the toilet and left him be. And Franky pooped!!! Ryan was so excited he came upstairs to tell me, at which point I flew down the stairs full-speed to witness Franky's first official poop in the big boy potty. He sat there for quite a while and requested "the ipad," which is what he calls the Kindle. He went, and a lot at that. I was soooooo proud I can't even tell you! I seriously can't believe he went on his own, even without coaxing or bribing. My bestie told me that once they're ready, they'll just go and never look back, similar to how her oldest did. I'm so excited!

I've lost 20 lbs since we moved in here, which is tripping me out. Whenever I make a genuine effort to lose weight, I don't. But when I'm not even trying, I lose it, and quick. I'm totally not complaining, it just trips me out how backwards that seems.  I haven't changed my eating patterns too drastically, other than cutting out pop and fast food (for the most part). I'm also noticing that I have no appetite when I'm grieving, which I don't realize until I've lost weight and all of a sudden I'm starving and didn't even realize I wasn't hungry. I didn't realize I'd lost so much weight until my family on my mom's side mentioned how much weight I'd lost and how good I looked (totally not being vein (not my style) but everyone commented on how good I looked for having two kids - which is always nice to hear since I've felt like a whale up until recently). I weigh three pounds less than I did before I got pregnant with Franky and am around the weight I was when Ry and I got engaged. I'm geeked about it, but definitely wouldn't mind getting to my ultimate goal of about another 10 lbs thinner (which is still 20 lbs heavier than I was when I met Ryan - I was frightfully thin back then, way too thin for my height or frame). Now I just need to maintain the weight loss. I feel like when I actually start losing weight, I lose it quick, but I gain it just as quickly, so I'm making a conscious effort to lay off garbage food and make healthier choices.

I couldn't properly express in words how much I miss this man even if I tried. I am in total denial and try not to think about him being gone because whenever I do, my throat tightens up and I feel the tears welling up. I miss him like mad and can't believe he's gone. It just feels so odd that he's not around anymore because he was the head of my mom's side of the family. How is he really gone? If I close my eyes and listen hard enough, I can still hear his voice, his laughter and his affectionate name for my son...he's not really gone, right?

I tear up every time I think about my baby brother too...I wish I knew how to be there for my dad and stepmom, but the only thing I've known to do lately is to be consistent with phone calls and text messages, letting them know they're never out of my mind and that I won't ever stop praying for them. Life is so unfair and it kills me that it sometimes seems like the ones who deserve it the least are the ones who are hit the hardest.

The Henry Ford Museum.

We had a fabulous, and much needed, family day today. I got up early with Franky and got him ready for karate while Mimi and Ry stayed behind at home. As we were turning off our street, I got a call from Franky's karate school letting me know class was cancelled for the day due to the instructors being home sick with the flu. With Franky still at the tail-end of his cold and Mimi barely coming down from the peak of it, I am happy for their consideration, so we turned around, woke Mimi and Daddy up and made plans for an impromptu family day.

We started off by driving by the old house to make sure all was good there (it was) and then went to one of our favorite eateries, Yasmeen Bakery in east Dearborn. Locals, you have to check this place out. They have authentic middle eastern food that is absolutely amazing.

Afterwards, we stopped in at Ry's favorite place for he and Franky to get their hair cut (Coiffeur Elegance, also in Dearborn, for you locals :))

We were getting ready to head home when Ryan said he didn't feel like going home just yet, so we decided to do something fun for the kids and took them to The Henry Ford Museum to run off some energy and check out the new Driving America exhibit, which the kids loved.

 Our babies hold our hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever. 

I thought this little house was so cool!

I thought the seats in this car were too cool

Franky loved playing mechanic in this fully hands-on auto shop

He said the car needed "more milk" haha

I neeeed one of these!

He just had to flip each of these seats down 

Car phone 

I have a feeling we'll be renewing our membership this year because the kids as well as us adults truly enjoy the museum and village. I love how kid-friendly the exhibits are and that there is so much for us adults to enjoy as much as the kids do.

Surreal.

I am beyond exhausted. I have a dull headache from lack of sleep and from crying so much. The last few days have been surreal. 

My sister is gone just as quickly as she came, which makes me incredibly happy but incredibly sad. The last two weeks are unbelievably vivid but also really fuzzy. I can't remember the last time I was so sleep deprived. I'm exhausted, to say the least.

Saturday, I picked my sister up from the airport and drove her straight to my mom's house. My mom left my grandparent's house and I will never, ever forget the look of complete shock, surprise and breathtaking happiness on her face to see my sister. Having Kiki here, even if only for 36 hours, was exactly what we all needed. Kiki stayed that night at my mom's and I made the trek back home.

Sunday, I got up bright and early, got ready and met my mom, sister, siblings and cousin at my mom's house and then we all went to the funeral home together. My grandfather looked so handsome, they truly did a beautiful job with him. He looked healthy and peaceful and had a hint of a smile on his face. His children and grandchildren were allowed an hour of privacy with him before people came to pay their respects, which was really wonderful. If the family had to guess, we'd say anywhere from 1200-1500 people came in a matter of 8 hours to pay their respects to a magnificent man. For every person to came in person, I'm sure there are quadruple that amount of people whose lives he touched in one way or another. I say he was the greatest man I've ever met and my cousin said he's the only man she's ever met. They don't make them like him anymore, that's for sure. There's literally not one person in the Albanian community here who I've ever talked to who didn't know who my grandfather was.

Monday I dropped my sister off at the airport bright and early before coming home to get dressed and then driving over to the church for the funeral. It was beautiful, absolutely beautiful. The service for him was all in Albanian (which I understand more than I speak) and we got to see him again before they closed the casket. I got to kiss him again and tell him how much I love him. I hate to see my mom or her sisters cry, absolutely hate it. I hate to see any of my family hurting, but it was comforting to be in a room with a group of people who I love and adore and know that we were all mourning the same loss.

We drove directly from the church to the cemetery and I have to say, seeing my grandfather lain to rest beside his son was absolutely beautiful. When we pulled up, there were a few hundred people standing, waiting for his arrival. I was completely blown away this weekend, by the number of people who came to pay their respects to my grandfather, he truly was a man like no other and to know him was not only to love him, but to respect him. My grandfather was buried right next to his son who passed 17 years ago and when they dug his spot, they dug it so close that my uncle's plot was exposed and we were able to see the stone that his casket was set in before burial. My grandmother saw it but all of the ladies surrounding her tried telling her that wasn't her son's stone, but we all knew it was. It was oddly comforting for me to see my uncle's casket, set in stone, laying just six feet away from us, just a few inches next to my grandfather's casket set in stone. Knowing they're together makes it all a little easier to accept. 

It is surreal that Kiki was here and surreal that Baba has passed. I know why we were all together this weekend and I saw him lying in his casket (which was the most gorgeous one I've ever seen to date, my grandmother picked the most beautiful one available for him) and I know it was him, but it just seemed so surreal. I can't believe he's gone, I just can't believe he's gone. I dreamt of him the night before last and after telling my mom and cousins, we feel it's a sign from him that he's on his way up to Heaven.

It was so difficult to be away from the kids for three days straight. They were just barely waking up for the day every morning when I left and were already in bed or getting ready for bed when I got home each night. It was horrible being away from them and I missed them like crazy. Ryan was going to attend the viewing, but the kids are really sick with coughs, sneezes, runny noses and plain old miserable, so he stayed behind with them all weekend, which I was grateful for. I've never been away from the kids for more than an hour or so, let alone three full days but it was comforting to know they were with their dad, so i didn't worry at all.

It feels odd to be home tonight because it just proves that no matter what kind of grief you're experiencing, the world keeps going on. I already miss my family and miss being around them. I'm wishing I was still with them and if I didn't have kids, that's exactly where I'd be. I find it odd to be back home, in the full swing of being mommy and wife while I know my mom, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandmother are still reminiscing and mourning together.

I've also decided that I'm going to fulfill my grandfather's wish for me to baptize my kids. He was accepting of my decision to dedicate them, but I knew his heart wanted for them to be baptized, so after talking to my mom about it, I've decided they'll be baptized in his honor. Now I just have to decide if I'll do it in an Albanian church on my mom's side of town, or a Roman Catholic church on our side of town (there's one within walking distance of my in-law's house). I'm trying to figure out if I can do it while Kiki is in town in a few weeks or if I'll have to pick different Godparents since neither Kiki or my brother did their confirmation or communion. Or maybe I'll plan it for later on so Kiki can fly out again and she and my brother can have time to do their communion and get confirmed. I plan to talk to my mom about it more and maybe have her ask my Godmother what she thinks is best.

I'm exhausted and really sad. Can you please also continue to keep my dad and stepmom in your prayers. I still can't wrap my mind around what they're going through and that my baby brother is gone. I never thought it possible to miss someone I never met, but I have a vivid picture of him in my mind based on my dad's description of him and picturing his beautiful little face literally brings me to tears and amplifies my grief for his loss. Can you uplift them in healing thoughts and positive prayers. Thank you so much!

Loss.

We stayed on our side of town today. I went to Whole Foods for the first time (my new favorite store!) and picked a little something up for my dad, stepmom and little sister. I was blessed to be able to see my stepmom and little sister as well as talk to both she and my dad today. My heart absolutely explodes with grief for them. I grieve for their loss and wish I could make it better somehow while also mourning the loss of my brother. I just can't even fathom what they are going through and can only hope that my baby brother is surrounding them constantly and giving them strength.

Franky and Mimi both woke up with nasty colds this morning, so they're staying home with Ryan tomorrow while I pick my sister up and take her to my grandmother's house. I'm hoping that by keeping them in, they'll start to feel better. Sunday is the viewing and the kids will be with Ry and I and then they'll go home while I hang back. My sister will ride home with me, I'll drop her off at the airport at 6am Monday and then the kids will stay home with Ry again so I can attend the funeral and burial.

I am still kind of in a daze and can't wrap my mind around the loss of my brother and grandfather within a day of eachother. I'm devastated at the loss of my grandfather, who we all knew was going any day...and absolutely crushed at the loss of my brother whose passing was completely unexpected. It is just so unfair and I am wishing I could change it somehow so he could be here. My heart aches for my stepmom and dad. Can you please continue to lift them up in positive thoughts and prayers. It means the world to me.

Three's.

Albanian's believe that death happens in three's. (My mom is Albanian, my dad, Mexican). My grandfather's brother passed away this evening, around 14 hours after he passed. My grandfather is probably THE most well-known Albanian man in the community here. He and his brother were the oldest men alive of their generation carrying their last name. My grandfather passed around 4:35 am on 2.09 and his brother passed sometime around 7 pm, on the same day. It gives me great comfort to know that my Baba was greeted in Heaven by his son (my Uncle Frankie passed away at 23 years old 17 years ago in a horrific car accident) and was then able to greet his brother shortly after.

The last few days have truly taken my breath away. Every time the pain and heartache of losing my beloved grandfather subside, the pain and heartache of losing my baby brother take my breath away and knock me down all over again. I've been a crying mess almost non-stop since yesterday. It amazes me how the loss of someone who I've known my entire life and someone who I never met are having such an equally profound affect on me. Life is so unbelievably cruel, unfair and beautiful all at the same time. Can you please pray for my dad, stepmom and little sister? I wish I knew how to better be there for them and I beg you to uplift them in prayer. Thank you so, so much.

My sister in Cali has been devastated at not being able to be here with the family while everything has been going on. I have been driving the hour+ drive every single day to be with  my family because sitting at home doing nothing would kill me. It has been incredibly healing to be with my family, in a room with other people who are experiencing the same loss as I am.

My mom's best friend knows how much it's killing my sister to not be here. Her sister paid to fly my sister out here for 36 hours this weekend so she can be with our family. I am so happy and so grateful that my sister will be here.

If ever I've doubted the existence of an afterlife, last night made me believe. My grandfather passed away around 4:35 am yesterday. Franky very rarely ever wakes up at night after he's gone to sleep. But last night, around quarter to five, he woke up and asked to come into my bed to sleep next to me. I firmly believe in my heart that Baba visited us last night and sent Franky into my bed knowing I needed the comfort.

Franky has a cough and a fever tonight so I'm keeping him home tomorrow. Saturday, I'll pick my sister up and take her straight to my mom's area while Ryan stays home with the kids (so grateful his boss is understanding of our situation). I'll come home that night but Kiki will stay at my mom's. Sunday is the viewing and many members of Ryan's family will be coming out to pay their respects. I have always respected Ryan's family, but this has solidified their spot in my heart. When they leave, Ry will leave with them and take the kids so I can be with my family and so the kids can be home. It's been a rough week for them, constantly going back and forth and being out of their element and off their routine. I'm so unbelievably proud of my babies for being so adaptable because they've been so well-behaved this last week. Monday morning my sister leaves and then I have my grandfather's funeral and burial. Ryan will stay home with the kids that day so I can be with my family.

If ever I've doubted my husband being The One, that has all gone out the window this week. I've fallen in love with my husband in a whole different way and am so grateful for his understanding in knowing that I need to be where my family is. He knows me better than anyone else on earth and I love and appreciate that he knows when to come to me and offer solace and when to give me space to grieve on my own.

I love you M.K.L, my beloved grandfather, so, so, so much. I know you know it, but I want you to know anyway. I love you A.D.M., little man who I never met but love with my entire heart and soul nonetheless. I pray you surround your momma always and give her strength. I love you R.A.B, my husband, my rock, my life.

Baba.

My grandfather passed away at 4:35 this morning, at 92 years old, peacefully, and surrounded by his children and many of his grandchildren. This man was, by far, the greatest man I've ever known. I LOVE YOU BABA!!!