I wanna give a disclaimer before I start on this one: I am not a parenting expert and do not claim to be. I am just a parent, baring her soul (or something along those lines).
A really good friend of mine (who is expecting her first) asked me what the hardest part of being a parent was. I felt like I should have known the answer to that right away, like it should have poured out of my mouth with the same ease as washing my hands. But it wasn't. I had to think about it for a minute.
What's the hardest part?Is it the sometimes sleepless nights? The loss of me time? The around-the-clock rhythm of changing diapers, giving baths and making food? The tantrums or the messes made or the act of juggling duties and multi-tasking? Nope, it was none of the above. I explained that, to me, all of those things are what make it all worth it. Those are the easy things. For me, the hardest part about parenting is the feeling of having to defend my actions or decisions. Having to justify why I do things one way when the vast majority do it differently.
For most of my life I have gone against the grain. I have rebelled against the status quo. Not that there's anything wrong with being normal, but "normal" just never worked for me. Still doesn't. Maybe I just look at things differently, view things from the opposite side of the fence. Who knows. I just know that what some may view as a rebellion is what I call my "normal." So it's no surprise that my "normal" extended to motherhood.
While most are following the advice of Dr. Such-and-such or Dr. This-and-That or the author of "this" book or expert on "that" technique, I follow another "expert" or whatever you want to call her. She's the voice inside my head, or maybe she's the voice inside my heart. Who knows. She's called my Intuition, and all mother's have it. Even the shitty mother's have it, whether they choose to listen to it or not.
I'm a firm believer in parenting according to my own rules. I listen to my child and follow his cues. I never did the "cry it out" or the strict schedule or the forcing anything upon him. From the moment he was born, I followed his cues and listened to what he was "telling" me. If he was hungry, I fed him, regardless of what time it was or how long it had been since his last feeding. Fuck the schedule or the stupid piece of paper I'm supposed to write it on. Or, on the flip-side, if it was the "time he's supposed to eat" cuz it's been two hours since his last feeding, but he wasn't hungry, I didn't force the boob on him. I'm the same way now. Some days he eats everything in sight. Other days he subsists on a fry or two, and that's fine. Hell, if I'm not hungry, I'll be damned if someone is gonna shove a fork in my mouth.
If he was tired, I let him sleep, despite his last nap or how it will affect the time he sleeps later. Fuck it. I listened to him. When he cried, I picked him up, even though some "experts" will tell you that doing so will spoil them or make it difficult to ever put them down. Bull shit. I held my son for most of his early months because I'm his
MOTHER. He wanted me, to be near me, at all times. And you know what? I loved every moment of it. Savored and treasured it because I know that one day he'll be pulling away from as hard as I'm trying to reel him in. One day he'll be too big for cuddles and kisses. The "experts" would be horrified to know that I baby wore for damn near the entire first four months of Franky's life. And you wanna know what? He is an independent little guy. In every sense of the word. He isn't whiny or clingy or needy because I held him too much. I met his needs. He is independent and confident and knows that I am just an arm's length away if he needs me. So fuck you, Mr. Expert. My kid is independent and well adjusted and has no abandonment issues, despite what you told me.
I guess most of the reason that I feel the way I do is because it seems like every second Tuesday of the month there's a different "expert" with a different "way" of doing things. Ummm, thanks, but no thanks. I'll continue to parent according to my own rules. I'll continue to listen to my instincts as well as my child.
My argument may be one-sided. You may think, "Oh yeah sure, lady. That's easy for you to say when you don't have a job outside your home." Okay, fair statement. Yes, as a SAHM, I do have the luxury of a lax schedule, of not having to follow a regimented schedule. BUT I
do know many mom's who don't follow a strict routine and
do things according to how they see fit who
do work outside the home.
Did I tell my friend to flip the "experts" the bird? No, I didn't, even though I wanted to. Instead, I told her to listen to that little voice inside her head and to follow the signs her baby gives her. I told her instead, to give the bird to those who question her parenting because
she is the expert, and no one will know her baby better than her.