Friday, April 11, 2014


 Michigan weather has been glorious lately. Two days in a row we had temps in the upper 60's, lower 70's. I actually cracked a window in our room for the fresh air while putting away laundry. Oh boy am I ever going to take full advantage of the weather this summer.

All three kids are sick this week and it seems to have hit Franky the worst. He's had a congested cough and woke up with a fever this morning. We kept him home from school three days in a row, which unfortunately meant he also had to skip his school's Fun Fair, a Chuck E Cheese birthday party and a play date. But I'd rather let him rest up and get better than anything else right now.

It amazes me how different each of my kids are. Marija LOVES soup and will basically try any kind of food, whereas Franky is SUPER picky and tends to stick to the same kinds of foods no matter what. And Harrison is kind of in between. He'll try anything but definitely lets me know if he doesn't like something.

He loves sounding words out and writing us letters. "Ov you git my the egg I will be happy. From: Franky, To: Momo" (If you get me the egg, I will be happy. From: Franky, To: Mama )

For the last year, I've dealt with multiple phone calls to determine how to pick up my placenta. Yesterday, I finally got a hold of someone who explained to me that they'd never had a request to keep a placenta before and that their legal team called a meeting where it was decided that releasing my placenta to me was strictly prohibited for legal issues and thus, my placenta with my daughter's remains were discarded as medical waste. I played strong on the phone, but inside, deep inside I was devastated. I have no physical evidence of my second daughter, Harrison's twin's existence. I have many, many ultrasound images and a permanent memory of her moving her arms and legs and the sound of her beautiful heartbeat. But no physical reminders of the time I carried her inside of my body. I understand the legal reasons behind it, but it makes me sad nonetheless. "A human placenta processed in formalin is a biohazard, blah blah blah. Even releasing it in alcohol, it will decompose and be full of bacteria, blahdiblahdiblah." I wish I'd still have been able to pick it up, see where she was at in my placenta, and been able to give her remains a proper burial. Instead, she was sent out as medical waste. Bullshit, if you ask me.

 Three kiddos with colds equals very little sleep for their mama, which means lots and lots of caffeine to function like a normal human being. 

 I'm obsessed with this stuff. It smells amazing and I love that it makes my babies squeaky clean without all kinds of chemicals. It was on sale this week so I made sure to stock up. 

Wednesday, April 9, 2014


In Instagram pix (I'm punkrockchic9). I'm a shitty blogger lately. I'm sorry. With Franky being in school during the week and then Franky and Marija having Sunday school on the weekends, there's not much down time around here. Especially now that we're in house-hunting mode. And when there is down time, it's occupied with laundry and dishes and meal-making and homework and cleaning and starting to pack. Truthfully, I don't mind the busyness but I am hoping that things slow down a bit after we move so we can enjoy our first Summer in our new home.

He woke up with a nasty cough and a belly ache. I kept him home and am hoping the fresh air does him some good. 

 He wasn't so sure about this thing, lol. 

She had a blast running around and blowing bubbles. 

 I don't know what it is about a chubby baby in a fluffy diaper that seriously melts my heart. 

Being a big kid with the little kids at the play place 

Franky: "Mama, THIS is you. Locked in JAIL. Because you will not let me drink Hawaiian Punch." Lol.

"Auntie Nessa, I wanna cuddle with you." 

This little dude loves when his big brother has play dates 

'Cuz this is WAY more fun than sitting on the bench

Hunting for eggs at the Laurelwood Court Annual Easter Egg Hunt. My BIL & SIL live in an amazing neighborhood where all of the neighbors are friends and they host all kinds of fun events throughout the year. 

                                                                       My babylove 

Mya loves her baby cousin 

                                                                 Harrison, Noah and Franky 

And to further amplify the coolness of Uncle Jay & Auntie Meg's house? Their awesome bus. Seriously, how freaking cool is this thing?

Oh how I love to watch him sleep. His round belly rising and falling with every breath. The sleepy sounds he makes. So peaceful. Magical.

Well, hello little ladybug 

I haven't touched on it recently but wanted to give an update on my PPA (postpartum anxiety). The fog has lifted over the last few months and now that I can look back and see it more clearly, I think the majority of my anxiety attack was the realization that I'm not invincible. No one is. Anything can happen at any time. When I was younger, I'd hear a sad story and think, "how terrible, thank goodness for my youth." Now, I hear stories of awful things happening to people both old and young. It made me realize that no one is invincible and that's where the root of the panic came from. It may sound unreasonable, but in my postpartum haze, that's what I was focusing on. Postpartum hormones along with a severe lack of sleep and adjusting to going from two kids to three, it was a lot to take on all at once. And I felt overwhelmed. 

In the past I'd feel overwhelmed here and there, but having three children under the age of four, one being a newborn, not having our own house and our entire family being in one room, it all boiled over last summer and landed me in a psychiatrist's office where I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It was definitely a crazy time and left me feeling a bit helpless to almost not be in control of my own thoughts, if that makes sense. Anxiety is definitely not fun. But to update, it's been a really long time since I've felt that kind of anxiety, I've been getting longer stretches of sleep thanks to a baby who is staying fuller longer when he eats a big dinner before bed, I'm finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel with starting to look at houses and Ry and I being in a really good place in our marriage. 

I've had crazy itchy skin and scalp for months. I tried lotions and used Selsun Blue and Head & Shoulders exclusively for weeks. Nothing worked whatsoever. I finally picked up some unrefined coconut oil and mixed 3 tbsp's of it with 3 drops of the tea tree oil I already had at home (I use a drop of it in every load of cloth diapers). It has the consistency of wax but literally liquefies almost immediately from the warmth of your hands. I mixed it well and drenched my hair, making sure to massage it into my scalp really well. I then tossed a shower cap over my drippy, unruly mess of hair and slept on it like that. In the morning, I rinsed it well with warm water, shampoo'd it twice, conditioned once and made sure to rinse really, really well each time. My scalp is still a little itchy here and there but not like it has been, where its itched so bad all day that it felt like a constant tingle and had me scratching so hard that I was literally losing hair in the itchy spots and leaving scratch marks behind. I am seriously amazed at the difference in ONE day. I plan to do it again at least once a week until it goes away completely. Also, I took a tiny bit of coconut oil and used it instead of lotion right after I got out of the shower.and my skin felt WAY less itchy than it usually does. I think it's just extremely dry skin from an exceptionally long Winter. I literally sat and itched my legs so bad one day that they bruised. Crazy. But anyway, this stuff works!

Friday, April 4, 2014


Sometimes I let my mind wander and I think of her. I wonder what she would have been like. Whether she would have been sassy like her big sister or more shy like her big brother. I wonder if she would have looked like me or her daddy and if she'd have had curly hair. I try not to let my mind wander because it breaks my fucking heart every time I do but sometimes I can't help it. I can picture her with chubby rolls like her twin brother's. And a fluffy mess of curly hair like him. I imagine how they would have been together, sitting side-by-side playing. Getting into everything together. Snuggled next to each other or on either side of me at night as we slept. Nursing next to each other.

I have peace in my heart about her becoming an angel because I have answers. We learned throughout our pregnancy, after ultrasounds and blood tests and especially after I delivered and tests were done on my placenta, that she was with 99% certainty a girl and with 99% certainty had spina bifida and that is most likely the reason why she didn't make it. And even knowing all of that, it still kills me that she isn't here. She doesn't nurse contentedly alongside her twin brother. She doesn't snuggle into me at night. I don't get to look into her eyes or paint her chubby piggies or brush her hair. I won't get to see her or know her until I meet her  again some day in Heaven.

Loss is a bitch. It feels so permanent. And the only comfort I find is in knowing that Heaven is real and that I will see her again. I was fortunate in that I didn't lose both of my babies. Harrison is healthy, alive and well and I thank God every day for his health and happiness. I smother his beautiful rosy cheeks hourly with kisses. I can't get enough of his sweet snuggles. I relish the way he looks into my eyes as he nurses happily. I cherish sleeping next to his chubby, snuggly body at night. I rejoice in his every smile, every cuddle, every moment with him. And for as much joy and happiness I feel, whenever I let my mind slow down enough to wander there, I feel equal sadness because he made it but his twin sister didn't.

I'm not sure that feeling of emptiness will ever go away. I'm not sure there will ever be a moment that I don't think of her and I don't feel utter sadness about her loss or the fact that God gets to enjoy her and I don't. I know that sounds selfish. And I've tried convincing myself a million times over that raising a child with spina bifida would be so much worse, so much harder, so much more trying than having lost her when I was pregnant, but that's a lie. And I know it. I'd trade my own life instantly to just be able to take a glance at her. To hear her heart beating again. To see her tiny body squirming again inside my own. I know I will meet her in Heaven but that doesn't make her loss any easier.

I have the paperwork allowing the release of my placenta somewhere and I've made phone calls and sent emails asking how I can pick it up. And I think the only way I'll start to feel closure is if I pick it up so that's my mission in the next week.

Loss is a mutherfucker any way you look at it. No matter how you try to justify it. Period. I'd rather have my "imperfect" daughter here than be looking at ultrasound pictures or remembering what her heartbeat sounded like than having to live a life without her...

Tuesday, April 1, 2014


In Instagram (I'm punkrockchic9) and Canon pix.

Last week, he got sick on a field trip. His teacher and his classmate's mom helped clean him up and get him on the bus. He said he wanted to bring them flowers to thank then for being kind. I freakin' love this kid.

 I have an obsession :) 

Spring FINALLY seems to have gotten a freakin' clue in Michigan and is making its slow ass appearance lately. The last few days have been in the upper 50's and it's been amazing. We're taking full advantage. Yesterday we took Hines Drive on the way home from picking Franky up from school and stopped at one of our favorite parks along the way.

Being from San Diego, there is something about the water that always calls me in. If I listen close enough, I can almost hear it whispering my name, beckoning me to join it for an afternoon stroll. I love the water.

Ryan has been telling me for years what a good eye I have for photography. And for years I thought he was just blowing steam up my butt. But this last year? I'm starting to believe him.

(taken by Ryan)

(taken by Ryan)

(taken by Ryan)

(taken by Ryan)

(taken by Ryan)

(taken by Ryan)

(taken by Ryan)

(taken by Ryan)

(taken by Ryan)

Don't ask me why, but I'm always drawn to old cemeteries. I find beauty in them. They fascinate me. I especially love the really old tombstones. 

(taken by Ryan)

(taken by Ryan)